I’m really, really deep in the hole tonight. I’m tired of being this shadow-version of myself who comes home from work and starts sobbing the minute the door closes behind me because the second I’m unoccupied and alone, that’s when it gets me. Last night when I got home I was doing my usual “don’t mind me, I’m just inconsolably crying for a few minutes while I change my clothes and feed the cats” routine, and I caught a look at myself when I walked past my bedroom mirror, and I got scared. I’ve seen what I look like when I cry (I’m not a pretty crier, I’ll freely admit it) but I looked into my own eyes and felt shocked. I was shocked that my pain was so visible on the outside, that two eyes can hold that much hurt. I had this weird couple of seconds when I felt like I was looking at someone else and I felt everything I would feel if I saw another person looking that way. I felt compassion and grief and an overwhelming urge to hold that poor sick girl and rock her and tell her that there are still good things and good people and there’s so much that isn’t broken and shitty. Not everything that looks good on the outside is rotten in the middle. I think that was Real Me rasping through the stranglehold the depression monster had on me. Real Me knows that I have to grit my teeth and ride out those scary moments because they aren’t permanent…I feel shitty to one degree or another pretty much all the time, but those minutes or hours of abject agony do pass and I can breathe again and remember myself.
Please don’t give up on me. I’m trying so hard not to give up on me, and I need to know that someone will still be here when I finally get this shit under control. I’m sorry I flake on commitments and am a drag to be around and sometimes I seem scary and unknowable. No part of me wants to be like this. I want to be clever and kind and fun and generous again and I have to believe that I can be, otherwise there’s nothing keeping me here. So while I’m finding a way to get better, please don’t write me off. As hard as the last few months have been, I’m still not willing to label myself a lost cause.