Tonight I fell asleep hypomanic and woke up depressed. It can happen that fast. This week was tough; we’re getting me slowly ramped up on the Lamictal so I’m not feeling any effects from it yet, and my doctor raised my Abilify to see if that would help bring down the mania. It sort of did…I’ve had lots of energy and but also haven’t seen sleeping right, which makes me think I’ve still been a little manic. Then late last week I turned into a goddamn lunatic. I was furious and hostile and painfully irritable to the point where I had to keep going to the bathroom to rage-cry. I called my psychiatrist demanding that we move up my appointment and he calmed me down and said it was all Abilify side effects and I should just go back to the lower dose. So I did, and felt better right away. The land of antipsychotic medication is unfamiliar to me and I’ve been having a hard time getting my bearings. But even though I felt less manic and hostile and irritable, I started hearing the most unwelcome voice in the world, the one I know so well. “This is what your life is going to be forever. You can take the damn pills and try to improve, but it will never be quite right, and you’ve got this thing forever. You’re never going to feel quite right ever again.”
He stayed in the background, though. I was up at 5 or 5:30 a.m. this weekend and washed, folded, and put away seven loads of laundry. Then today I found myself able to nap a little bit, which hasn’t happened in weeks, and then I let myself doze off on the couch for just a little bit and woke up four hours later, and within five minutes of waking up, I was crying uncontrollably and for no real reason.
Ding-dong. Little pig, little pig, let me come in.
I don’t want him here. Hypomania is weird and unfamiliar but at least I’m never really sad. I know the depression part all too well and he’s basically going to have to drag me away kicking and screaming. So off I go to bed, because sleep is the #1 most important thing. And tomorrow starts the mental warfare of fending off the depression monster.