Watch me

So I spent last weekend in the hospital because I was suicidal again. I won’t go into details here because it was fucking awful and this blog has gotten sad AF lately, but that happened. New strategy is to take a month off work and go to intensive outpatient therapy (IOP) at a local hospital a few hours a day for a few days a week. I like this plan. Work is dragging their feet about FMLA leave and it’s really annoying because I need to know if they’ll, like, pay me (since legally speaking they don’t have to), but at least a little time away from the excessive stress of that job will do me a world of good. And honestly, I’m a little bit excited to start IOP tomorrow. It’s basically group therapy for three hours a day. I got a lot out of the group therapy during my first hospital stay, so I’m hoping to have a similar experience now. And it’s supposed to teach me some skills to get the DM (and the HM, I suppose) to shut up or at least quiet down so I can function as a person. It’s not enough to just not be suicidal – we need to make it so I never get suicidal again, because I’m sure as hell not going back into inpatient hospitalization again. 

So I feel hopeful for the first time in a while. It’s a shame it took an extreme situation (two, technically) to get me and my therapist and psychiatrist to this point, but…woulda shoulda coulda. 

In the meantime, Rufus/the DM has been acting like a real douchebag. It’s like he knows he’s cornered. But I’ve been sassing him.

Me: I’m excited about IOP. 

DM: Ain’t gonna work, sister.

Me: Stahp. 

*     *     *

Me: I worked out and it felt good. Yay!

DM: It’s one workout. Girl, please.

Me: Staaaahhhhp. 

*     *     *

Me: I put on makeup and real clothes and left the house!

DM: Normal people do that every day.


*     *     *

Me: I’m going out Saturday night and it’s going to be awesome!

DM: I have no idea why. You aren’t fun anymore.

Me: OK you know what? Shut the fuck up, Rufus.

As you can see, he needs to be quiet and go away, because he is a jerk. I’m going to get up and put on makeup and real clothes and go to IOP tomorrow morning and it’s going to be great. I’m going out Friday night and it’ll be the MOST fun. Because shut up, depression. I’m going to get better – watch me.

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